Out of Office: Ten Things to do 10/07 -10/20

Go for a fall drive, soundtracked by me

I’ve made an autumn driving specifically designed to make you feel wistful and melancholy, just like fall. Put it on and go for a ride:


Matthew’s Green Chile Recipe

In this day and age, its nearly impossible to rip the iPads or iTelephones out of any asshat younger than Miley Cyrus. What I have come to discover is that trying to fight is futile, they always win. The best solution is to keep them in the same house, out of trouble, and not off having premarital sex or huffing moonflower. Sounds like an impossible task.

With fall of the horizon, adults now have a new, powerful weapon at their disposal: light the little bastards’ assholes on fire with a bomb-ass green chile recipe! Below is my version that will make anyone of Hispanic origin judge me HARD. But who cares? It delicious, and it will ruin children all the same:

  • 1 big ban Stokes Green Chile with Pork
  • 1 big can green enchilada sauce
  • 1 packet Taco Seasoning
  • 1 can diced green chilies
  • 1 white onion
  • 1 12oz. can diced tomatoes
  • 1 small can diced jalapenos
  • 2 lbs. diced pork
  • 1 24oz. can chicken broth

Dice onion and add to large pot with diced pork and 1 tbsp. olive oil. Cook until pork is hot and all moisture is removed from onions. Add all other ingredients. Let cook over low head for 1 hr. Enjoy thoroughly.


Dry aging steak and the experts

I’m not in my feels right now about the planet, as you may notice from above. Everything sucks, we’re all going down in a heap, the planet is on fire, Trump is the leader of the free world, and I just watched the light rail commit genocide against a (flock?) of butterflies. UGH.

I digress. Since were here, I suggest that everyone attempt to poison themselves by dry aging steaks at home! There are new methods that combine wet and dry aging by using a vacuum sealed bag that allows moisture to escape yet keeps microbes from entering the meat.

Start with 25-30 days, but 45 days is that real rich shit. Its not for the faint of heart, but very delicious. I recommend stopping by Edwards Meats, 12280 W. 44th Ave. in Wheat Ridge, to talk to the experts and pick yo’ bad self out a good shank of porterhouse. It’s the least you could do for your family since you blew all of your money on shoes this year.


Kylie 4 Halloween Kicks 10/16

Christmas is still far enough away to go ham on something for yourself and not feel guilty. This year, my vice and obsession as been basketball shoes.

This month, the Kylie 4 ‘Halloween’ version is hitting the shelves Oct. 16, and since its my wife’s favorite holiday, these might get me some action. Join me in the celebration of a new NBA season, dripping green kicks, and money that should have gone to holiday fruitcakes


Link’s Awakening’ remake

I never played the original “The Lend of Zelda: Link’s Awakening” on Game Boy years ago. It’s been said to be one of the best in the series, which is a very high compliment. Maybe the highest in all of video games.

Nintendo recognized this, and instead of releasing the original version on the Nintendo store for $9, the douche flutes found it necessary to add a new set of graphics and make the price $59.99 because they know every 30-year-old and older game enthusiast is going to shit their britches when it hits stores.

I am that enthusiast.

It’s pretty good so far, very simple compared to the newer installments of the Zelda series. The graphics are updated, but not $50 fucking dollars updated.

Get the game here.

I would still give it a spin for the price.


Bang out about 30 hours of snowboard movies!

Long past are the days of $40 snowboard movies that you would beg your mom to buy for you at Zumiez. Only the kids with separated parents and really cool soon-to-be stepdads would get the good shit.

These days, most of the shred films are free, amazing af, and have soundtracks that make my winter-sized butt twerk in anticipation and excitement for the coming cold season.

I highly recommend diving right into Alignment, a film by Transworld Snowboarding. It can be found at https://www.snowboardingfilms.net/film/alignment.

When you’re done there, just keep rolling into the next film, and for the love of god buy some swag from these poor ass boys and girls of the mountain. lord knows they need a new razor.


Let Shirley Jackson scare you shitless

A week or so ago, a friend and I decided that Shirley Jackson is the undisputed GOAT of astounding first lines (see The Haunting of Hill House and We Have Always Lived in the Castle for proof). This was great timing, because we’re getting into prime Shirley season with the days getting shorter, cooler and greyer.

Hill House is one of the best autumnal books ever, and it’s short enough you can read it in one sitting. But if you’re not a reader, 1963’s film version, The Haunting, is my favorite scary movie of all time, all atmosphere and sound design and acting. For best results, watch with all the lights out on a grey and blustery evening. . Last year’s Netflix show, “The Haunting of Hill House” was good, but I’d still recommend the book or movie (ignore the awful 1999 remake) for the good shit.

Jackson’s other works (including her short stories) are all brilliant, and I highly recommend you fall under her spell for the month.


Shut your ‘Big Mouth’

Netflix’s “Big Mouth” is the funny, filthy and sweet animated show about puberty that you didn’t know you needed.

The cast is bullet proof, the laughs genuine and the insights real. Season three just dropped, and you can watch it on Netflix.


James Blake at the Fillmore Auditorium

James Blake is England’s nerdy, alternative master of emotional boy anthems. His tunes are drenched in Radiohead-esque electronica and Weeknd-y synth R&B and his quavering falsetto delivery is the sound of a robot’s tears after it’s had its heart broken. King Kendrick, Beyonce, Frank Ocean and Vince Staples have all made use of his icy sonic pallete.

This year’s Assume Form was released in the winter, which perfectly matches the sounds contained on the album, but will also beautifully soundtrack your sad-boy autumn. He’ll be swinging by the Fillmore Auditorium, 1510 Clarkson St., at 7 p.m. on Wednesday, Oct. 9, so you can get your emotional fallout started in person.

Tickets can be secured at www.livenation.com.


‘Daily Show’ correspondent comes to Comedy Works

One of the staples of “The Daily Show’s” roster of correspondents is an entitled and overly arrogant white guy who bumbles through his field pieces. The gawd Stephen Colbert is the undisputed master of this character, but Jordan Klepper also did a damn fine job.

The current keeper of the mantle is Michael Kosta, a stand-up who got his big break at the HBO Comedy and Arts Festival in Aspen. He’s made appearances on “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno,” “Chelsea Lately,” “Conan,” “Attack of the Show,” and “Late Night with Seth Meyers.” According to his official bio, he is a former professional tennis star (ranked 864 in the world), which might be an Infinite Jest joke, but maybe it’s real.

In either case he’ll be performing at Comedy Works South, 5345 Landmark Place in Greenwood Village, at 7:15 and 9:45 p.m. on Friday, Oct. 11 and Saturday, Oct. 12.

Get your tickets at www.comedyworks.com/comedians/michael-kosta.


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *