Out of Office: Ten Things to do in February

Subscribe to a newspaper

A few weeks ago I was up early on a Friday and stumbled into a Starbucks. My mission was to snag a copy of The Wall Street Journal, so I could flip through the mansion section to get a good sampling of my crushing failure in life. It’s always reeeeal refreshing to see that the second and third homes of some folks look like the dream home of 99 percent of Americans. Gets my juices going.

Anyhow, I was unpleasantly reminded that Starbucks no longer offers newspapers in the newsstand. I nearly spontaneously combusted on the spot.

After a few deep breaths into my trusty ol’ paper bag I regrouped, realigned, and remembered that THE GODDAMN HOME DELIVERY SUBSCRIPTION IS CHEAPER ANYWAY.

Whatever your flavor is, I urge you to help maintain this small relic of journalisms past and order a hot copy of something. Anything. Personally I do Sundays of The New York Times and irritate my wife by leaving it strewn across the kitchen table all day à la Hunter Thompson.

If you need help subscribing to anything contact me personally and I will help make that happen.


Ski day at Monarch

Ski days in Colorado on the weekend suck. They suck hard. Traffic sucks, prices suck, Californians suck.

There is hope! Did you know there are mountains on Colorado other than in Summit County. No?!  Well guess what? (Sorry, getting heated.)

I would highly recommend trying to scrape together a little scratch to go hit up some of the smaller-fish mountains in Colorado, which won’t cost an arm and a leg. Just a leg. My favorite being Monarch Mountain to the south. Open terrain, small feel, lots of room to stretch out.

If you are hitting this on a weekend, you still have to get going before 6 a.m. If you don’t, I will be laughing at you. Remember that. Laughing, and judging.

Discount tickets for Monarch mountain can be found here


Kobe kicks

I am prohibitively terrible at basketball. The flow of the game throws me off. The nuance of darting past defenders, knowing which way to contort, and knowing some good “and-1” lingo all escape me. That said, to me, it is a sport of kings.

I have purchased more NBA apparel in my lifetime than any other sport, I go to the games, I listen to the podcasts, and I have a general obsession with the sport. On top of that, Kobe Bryant was my favorite player. Off-court antics left to the side for this post, he was the Dagger on the court. You needed it? Kobe would deliver. Pure competitor, through and through.

Last year I finally found a small obsession on Jordans sneakers. Small, and withering. Saving for other things so Jordans took a back seat. However, a pair of Kobes IS HAPPENING. If you know any places that have the drop in 10 1/2 size in anything, holler. I’m getting desperate. Or buy them for yourself.


Ja Rule at the Paramount Theatre

Please let me know if you attend this. Hard judging is coming your way. Have a look at Ticketmaster for tickets at the show, which is 8 p.m. on Sunday, Feb. 9 at the Paramount Theatre, 1621 Glenarm Pl. in Denver. There’s still plenty available.

Why, you ask? Ja Rule was a staple of my early 00’s rap diet. He’s a little goofy, but who cares? Why are you being so harsh, Matthew?

Let me help you out with that: Google Fyre Festival

In 5 years when his buddy-in-crime is out of the pen (I’ll let you make your own assumptions here) the proceeds from these shows will help him build another evil empire of scams, cancelled shows and fake ticket sales. Enjoy, I guess?


Valentine’s Day

Romance still exists. Hard to define, hard to quantify, but blatantly obvious when expressed in copious amounts. For the finer points of this matter I will always avert attention to my counterpart as he is of the science of these matters. 

Given that, I would like to just offer a small bit of sadness of this day of love; my wife and I’s Valentine’s tradition is dead. 

Every year for 10 years, my wife and I would find a Friday near V-Day, go to Dino’s Italian Food, then go to the Monster Jam Monster truck rally. 

The tradition ends this year as Dinos was permanently shuttered in 2019 and Monster Jam was moved to the week before Valentine’s Day. The old ways are dying. But not all hope is lost! There are other joints to be joint…ed, and redneck traditions to be had. We are going to try out the newest version of Mama Saninos Italian restaurant, 5800 W 38th Ave, Wheat Ridge, CO 80212. This was once a wholesome little Italian place on 52nd in Arvada before it was uprooted by Walmart.

Thanks, Arvada. Thanks a whole bunch.


A well-armed secretary at Curious Theatre

I’m one of those people who is endlessly bothered by nonsensical statements like, “Guns don’t kill people. People kill people.” But I’ve never met Ruby, the lead character in Kyle John Schmidt’s “The Secretary.” She’s a firm believer that women should protect themselves. And do so with semi-automatic weapons. 

What ensues in the rest of the black comedy at the Curious Theatre, 1080 Acoma St. in Denver, is at times hilarious, terrifying and sometimes a mix of both. As Ruby’s gun manufacturing business fuels the economy of its home town, a school related shooting changes things for everyone.  

The all-female cast features legends like Emma Messenger and runs through Saturday, Feb. 22. Performances are at 7:30 p.m. Thursday through Saturday and 2 p.m. on Sunday

Get tickets at www.curioustheatre.org/event/the-secretary.


Michelle Wolf at Comedy Works Downtown

Michelle Wolf made a name for herself as a correspondent on The Daily Show, and people really became familiar with her when she (rightfully) burned Sarah Sanders and the media pretty fucking savagely at the 2018 White House Correspondents’ Dinner. 

Since then she’s been working steadily on the stand-up circuit (her most recent show is a Netflix special entitled “Michelle Wolf: Joke Show”). She’s now touring with new material, and she’ll be spending half a week at Comedy Works Downtown, 1226 15th St. in Denver, from Wednesday, Feb. 19 through Saturday, Feb. 22

Performance times vary, so get all the info at tickets at www.comedyworks.com/comedians/michelle-wolf.


Donavon Frankenreiter at the Bluebird Theater

It seems like a lot of the time, people make fun of music that’s soothing. Stuff you can just put on when you need to relax and make you feel warm and comforted. The sun-baked folk-rock tunes of Donavon Frankenreiter are some of my favorite chill tunes – the kind that sounds best from a horizontal position, preferably with a gentle breeze and the sound of moving water. 

Late this month he’ll be all over Colorado – Fort Collins, Aspen and Telluride – and performing at the Bluebird Theater, 3317 E. Colfax Ave. in Denver, at 8 p.m. on Thursday, Feb. 20

Pertinents and tickets can be secured at www.bluebirdtheater.net.


Get an education in color theory

As Soccer Mommy, Sophie Allison, has proven herself one of the best modern purveyors of thoughtful, 90s-inspired indie rock. Her debut, Clean, was one of the most lauded albums of 2018 and the 2010s as a whole. 

Now we’re getting her eagerly awaited sophomore album, color theory, is on the horizon. According to a press release,

“the album is thematically subdivided into three sections, each of which is named for a color that distills the mood Allison wanted to freeze in time. We begin with blue, a color that evokes a certain melancholy, and for Allison, illuminates depressive episodes and memories of inflicting self-harm. The next section is represented by yellow, a color that points to illness, both mental and physical. The final section, represented by gray, addresses that fear of loss directly.” 

The first tastes of the album have been lovely – particularly “yellow is the color of her eyes” – and I’m incredibly excited to hear the whole thing on Friday, Feb. 28.

Pre-order/save/add to your calendar or what-have-you here.


Check out a whole bunch of remote beauty from the seated position

I’ve been fortunate to attend several film festivals over the past few years, but there aren’t many like the Banff Mountain Film Festival World Tour

Hosted this year at on Friday, Feb. 28 through Sunday, March 1 at the Paramount Theatre, the festival takes audiences to some of the most remote landscapes and mountains in the world. Couch-bound adventurers like yours truly can explore, paddle and climb at places we’d probably never make it to otherwise. 

These are the kinds of films that demand to be seen on a huge screen, plus the proceeds benefit the Colorado Mountain Club. So, don’t miss your chance at www.altitudetickets.com/events/detail/banff-film-festival.


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